The 73rd Epistle to President Buhari

My President, today thou art filled with gladness as the Lord has made thee see three-score and thirteen years on this earth. Truly, the miracle of March 28 shewed thee the goodness of the Lord. While thy friends and foes talk about thee on social networks, pay attention to these words and hold on to them with all diligence.

Eight months have passed since the elections. Thou and thy party have made enough pledges. The time for action is now upon thee. Thy foes complain that thou crawleth in the manner of snails. Such words do not befit thee, for thou sought the presidency for four seasons, and thy people think that ought to move like a lion that huntest its prey. The Lord was so good to thee that thy main foe did not seek the counsel of the courts, yet thou did wait for four moons before choosing thy helpers, whom thou had called noisemakers in time past.
Verily, thy manner is like unto a chess player who sitteth to observe times and seasons, and like the men of Barcelona of whom it is said that tiki-taka hideth their search for a through-pass. It will serve thee well to know that thy people have suffered oppression for many seasons, and want to see thy handwork speedily. Score goals that they may see that thou art able and willing to save them.
Native speakers of body language are going extinct. It’s time for clearly articulated government policies. For the first couple of months of your messianic entry, Nigerians quickly learnt a new language, as all your communications were conducted through it. Now that you have chosen your cabinet, Nigerians expect policies to guide conduct in the country. The economy will surely be grateful for policies written in Queen’s English.
Truly, Nigeria needs you in Nigeria at this time. I have heard reports, and the press says it is true, that Eagle One wanders to and fro across the face of the earth. It is a good thing to be at peace with all countries, but you must not give room for the enemy to call you a wanderer. Your name is not Cain, but Buhari. Like Jethro advised Moses, heed my advice. Let your hardworking Vice-President and your foreign minister carry some of your burden. Grasp wisdom and know that at 73, too much travel is not good for your health. Your people cannot lose you at this time. Be wise!
Verily, verily, I say unto you, your people should be addressed within your borders. Why dost thou like to speak from the high towers of New York and Paris? If thy speech is for the strangers outside thy borders, then thou may speak from afar. Howbeit, it is not good for thy people to hear of thy decisions through CNN and Reuters. For this cause was NTA formed. Stay within thy borders and speak gently to thy people that they may be pleased in thee.
You have started a good fight against corruption. Your people have heard [read] of many gates. Strengthen your hands and keep the siege against those gates. For your people hope [wait in earnest expectation] that at the end of the siege, the gates will be opened for their stolen goods to be recovered. In all your ways, use wisdom. Tell your officers [men of the law] to carry out their duties thoroughly [with all diligence]. It will be shameful for the media [the public and those on social media] to find those in chains guilty, and for the learned men to set them free for lack of evidence. Do not let any thief enjoy the fruits of thievery.
Finally, let wisdom guide thee as thou sitteth in the hall of judgement against the Shias and those who ask for Biafra. Know that when men despise a small candle and foolishly leaveth it to burn, it can burn so great a house. Hearken unto my voice, and treat not these people as thou wouldest treat a child. Also take diligent care that thou dost not treat them with unimaginable vengeance. Why should thou use a spear to fight an ant? Wisdom is profitable to direct.

Let me stop here before the Apostle Paul beefs me for trying to compete with his epistles. The styles of different bible translations have been imitated in this epistle. I love my country, and want to see it prosper. For that to happen, President Buhari’s administration has to succeed. There’s no other option. Lest I forget, “Happy Birthday notre Président!”