The Bad Bad West

“How una dey na? Una hear about the katakata for Zaria?”
“O boy! I hear am oh. Heard that the Army went up against a Shia group”
“What are you guys talking about?
“See this bros oh! U no hear say some people get mind attack Chief of Army Staff. Now Army wan use them act Odi and Zaki-Biam. Wetin dey vex me na say some people say na the West cause this wahala, say them dey back the Shiites to fight Islam.”
“Those people may have a point. The Shiites are a misguided and defiant sect.”
“Alhaji Ahmed, I know about the Shia-Sunni issue. I just didn’t know that the West is responsible.”
“It’s not impossible. See, Tunde, the Shias are misguided in terms of creed and doctrine.”
“Ah ah! Alhaji! Was the West an entity when the Shia-Sunni divide began? Why do people blame the West for every problem?”
“From reports I have heard, the West funds some persons to study Islam and use their knowledge against Islam.”
“So you believe the West is playing both Iran and the Saudis?”
“It’s very plausible.”
“Hmmn. Is Shia Islam a product of the West? 300 years ago, the West didn’t exist as a bloc.”
“West don suffer oh. I no envy them at all.”
“I don’t like prying into matters like this.”
“Alhaji relax. There’s no pry bar here. I just don’t understand the idea of always shifting blame. That’s how some idiots claimed Boko Haram is a group of Christians. Later, someone would claim that Al-Baghdadi is a Catholic priest sent undercover by the West to attack Islam’s heartland.”
“Nna make I tell una two. Wetin me know be say until we take responsibility, no solution.”
“Oga Don. You’ve said it. I’m tired of the culture of shifting blame in this country.”
“Let me say something. Alhaji, why would the West want to fight Islam?”
“Larry. There are many reasons. Let’s even look at what trended last week. A US presidential aspirant proposed to ban the entry of Muslims into the US. Doesn’t that show hatred?”
“Wait! Does Trump represent America? Did you observe the backlash from his own people?”
“This one no be point because even if Muslims no vote, him no fit win that election cause of that statement.”
“Alhaji, I just googled this Shia-Sunni issue. This article says it began with Prophet Muhammad’s death. I don’t think it has anything to do with the West. See! Read the article.”
“You people believe whatever you see on the internet. Please, I’m out of here!”


“This Alhaji dey quick vex oh. Him no even stay make we laff small”
“This article is a lie! America told the Shiites to disagree and choose Muhammad’s relative as the new leader. F***ing Americans!”
“Tunde you no well oh! Oya tell us your own version.”
“America controls the world’s media. They have rewritten histories to suit their hegemonic perspective. Oga, na CIA covert operation do this thing.”
“So Tunde is now a comedian? Go for a comedy audition.”
“I don’t know about comedy, but I know that America is responsible. Full stop!”
“In conclusion: The West!”
“Yes! The West. The F**ked up West…causing problems since the Bigger Bang”
“Firstly, that article was written in English: The West!”
“Yes! If it’s true, it should’ve been in Arabic or Persian. The author even referenced an English translation of the Quran. Imagine! The website is funded by covert CIA and MI6 funds.”
“This is getting interesting!”
“Secondly, the Internet: The West!”
“Yes! The internet is the West’s biggest propaganda tool.”
“This thing don oh. Alhaji no dey here to punch una two for face.”
“You can say that some politicians are taking advantage of disparities between the two sects, but to term it a vice of the West is childish and fishy.”
“My friend Larry is a great man. You really go school. Abeg make we end this matter.”

PS: This is supposed to be a real life discussion disguised as satirical fiction. Any resemblance to any person, dead or undead is a miracle. Please pardon all glaring mistakes. I’m an engineer!

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