S for Sarcasm Unscripted

Prologue: The following is a redacted chat between some members of a certain WhatsApp group. The banter is around President Buhari’s candidacy in the 2019 election. I decided to turn the transcript into a blog post. Only members of that group can identify the participants. If the “S” in “Sarcasm” has not already informed you, please be aware the following conversation is intended for humour.

…

‪Amadi: We have decided not to work on ourselves, hence no single man of competence (integrity and character) to lead the country out of the abyss.

That’s why it is the same set of people that keep recycling.

Imagine Obasanjo of all people running helter-skelter to form alliance so that he’ll continue to gain relevance and call the shots. What does he want to improve by his protege that he could not have done during his 12-year reign?

Bobby: Don’t mind that man jare. We will shock him. We will vote for Buhari to continue to move the country forward.

Out of 200 million people, how can we not have one competent person that will seize power from those tyrants. Buhari at his old age managed to do so and all they do is criticize the poor man.

Charles: You sha won’t blind yourself with this “light” you’re always seeing.

Bobby: 😡😡😡😡Don’t spoil my post with your sarcasm.

I’m serious at the moment please.

Even after transforming Abuja into a mini-London with state-of-the-art train system, your religious and ethnic bias still blinds you to the fact that the old man means business.

You guys never cease to amaze me.

Desmond: Don’t mind these ungrateful Nigerians.

Bobby: It’s until he builds train to the moon you’ll agree he’s working abi?

Desmond: An old man who should be chilling with his great grandchildren brought himself forward to deliver this country out of the abyss, yet some unpatriotic rabble-rousers choose to malign his every move.

Bobby: I wonder o

Desmond: They don’t want to adulate the days of little beginnings😒

Evans: How come I never see these things? 🤔

Bobby: Ethnic and religious bias na

At least, Buhari is still trying. What did Obj do when he was there?

Desmond: As long as you now see, we can forgive you. Go and sin no more

Bobby: Obj is even worse. He did nothing for his hometown (Abeokuta) when he was there. At least Buhari is fighting for grazing land for his kinsmen.

Desmond: $16 billion and no single wire was bought by him.

Bobby: Abi o….

Desmond: We have to appreciate Buhari, the only incorruptible Messiah sent by God to rescue Nigeria from the fraudsters of the last 16 years. The only guy who had to borrow money to buy his presidential form.

Imagine the patriotism! He was willing to risk being in debt just because of his undying love for us. I feel like crying at this point. I’m just overwhelmed by this new enlightenment😥

Sai Buhari! Sai Baba forever…

…

Charles: I envy you guys with opened veils beholding the wonders of Buhari o

What must I do to be saved?

I really envy you guys

Desmond: Brother, believe in God and you shall make it. Believe in Buhari his chosen Messiah and Nigeria shall be established. Let go of your sinful ways and thoughts. Only behold the beauty that is the righteousness of Buhari.

Come and taste and see that Buhari is good.

Charles: No confession?

Like something to repeat after you?

Desmond: It’s not about repetition. It’s in you. Once you come into the manifestation of the light, you would know a joy that passes all understanding. That’s nirvana where you no longer think about that visa you applied for but trust wholeheartedly in Buhari to deliver Nigeria into a state of bliss.

Charles: I’M HOME.

EUREKA!!!

Desmond: I’m happy you’re gradually seeing the light. Just keep your eyes fixed on that shiny spot.

Charles: I BELIEVE

I’m a new Buharian. I’m proud to be one. I will shout this to the ends of the earth.

Are there manuals I can read, so that I can grow more as a baby Buharian?

Evans: Start watching NTA. Recommended for beginners.

Charles: OK sir. I would appreciate more suggestions.

Someone told me I should listen regularly to one Prophet Lai. Hope it won’t be too much for me sir?

Please I don’t want to get “light” constipation o.

…

Fidelis: Yeeeeessssssss!

My brothers have seen the light!

I’ve been saying this for too long.

I kept the faith! Now I have brethren in the faith.

Someone that is over 70 (perfection X 10) – for those that understand the language of the spirit, came to sacrifice his retirement period for the survival of our fatherland. He’s not only president but also minister of petroleum. Double honour!

When he was terribly sick, where others would have resigned and given up, he kept the faith in himself and came back continue the rescue mission.

Completing the projects of previous administrations. That is, places where he couldn’t be alpha, he ensured he was omega.

How many people can boast of that?

Evans: No one, Mai bródà

Fidelis: The greatest achievement is that now our place in the committee of nations has been elevated. The whole of Africa, using our road map to fight corruption in their countries.

We’re the pacesetters.

We’re the trailblazers.

A country set upon a hill that can never be hidden.

I leave you all with the greatest song of victory and doggedness!

Sai Baba! Sai Buhari! 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾

Evans: 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

G.O.: It is well with your souls🤷🏽‍♂

Brethren, close your eyes in deep sleep tonight for you have beholden the wonders that true light shows. May these newly found lights of yours never grow dim. #ItIsWell

Epilogue: Whereas the interaction above seems like a drama script. It was totally unplanned. A group of persons were discussing the state of politics in Nigeria and one response just led to another. Knowing that codeine has been banned in Nigeria, it is possible that the participants were victims of second-hand marijuana smoke.

Image Credit: auselt.com