​The Heaven Called Immunity

​The Heaven Called Immunity

Intro: This piece is about the drive by federal lawmakers to grant themselves immunity from prosecution. Although this form of writing isn’t my forte, I felt like doing something different from my usual direct articles.


My name is Peter Mohammed Ifa. I am a full-blooded Nigerian representing my people, Nigeria Constituency I at the Senatorial Council of Representatives. On March 28, 2015, I made my people think they willingly chose me as their sole ambassador at the distinguished council. Since then, I and fellow council members have been on a journey to get heaven’s key.

You remember how we all grew up being told about heaven? Thinking of heaven could make one long for it, and also make one afraid. The fancy tales we were told made me want to go to heaven as soon as possible, through any means. I was told that in heaven, I could live in perfect bliss, doing anything I wanted. I was told that I could visit the tree of life, beside the black stream, and eat the highly nutritious fruit called “national cake”; that as an honoured guest of The One himself, no one could question anything I did or said. After all, the parchments say that there is no condemnation for anyone with heaven’s key. Knowing all these, from the time I was a child without shoes, my mind has been fixed on crossing those pearly gates.

Why wouldn’t I want to live in Immunity? The alternative is unspeakable. In fact, there is no acceptable alternative. Even though where I presently live is in front of heaven’s gate where I and fellow council members are lords over the common people, I remember an advert that says, “If e no be heaven, e no fit be heaven”. If I don’t enter the pearly gates, any Tom, Dick or Buhari can come and talk rubbish about my actions. Those people, especially, that last man that calls himself “the Sheriff” have reignited my passion to get the key.

Talking about Buhari, it is he who has motivated my colleagues to join the search for heaven’s key. When we sent ourselves to Abuja to sit in the council, he was already there as the leader of the tribe. Unlike us, he and 73 other elders already had the key to heaven, enjoying all the splendours of Immunity. How we envied them! We beheld the sparkling key in his hands, and wished The One would also find us worthy to receive our own keys.

The day we selected our council heads was the day our travails began. Although Buhari said he would allow us to choose whoever we liked, his revered body language showed that he supported the choice of the Circle of Brooms, a man called Akume. He became heartbroken when the unloved Saraki outsmarted the elders and became the senior council head. His fiery anger was worsened when he saw the man at Saraki’s right hand; Ike, a man from the Circle of Umbrellas, much despised by the broomers.

From the day we ignored the unspoken choice of Buhari, he swore by his cleanness to haunt Saraki and all who connived with him to acquire the mace. When he inaudibly promised us banishment to hell, we took him as a joker, seeing that we already resided outside heaven’s gate. It was only his possession of heaven’s key that set him above us.

When Buhari unleashed his fury, we sought the heavens to protect us. First he came for Saraki, and said that in his previous life, Saraki lied about the number of gold rings on his fingers. While Saraki cried “injustice!”, the priest said he must appear before the temple at the break of dawn every day, and sit until the last cock retires for the day. As Saraki sat in the sinners’ box every day, Ike oversaw the council. Then they came for Ike.

Buhari’s orator, a man called Malami, said the parchment we used to select our council heads was not the one written by the previous council. He said Ike and the chamber’s caretaker burned the real parchment, and asked 419, the best forger in the land, to make a look alike. Now, Ike has been taken to the temple for the priest to seek the gods’ faces whether the orator has spoken rightly.

Remembering Buhari’s promise to send us to hell, we now live in fear. All of us, respected council members, do not know who the children of Louis Edet would attack next. Getting heaven’s key has never been more important. In this game of thrones, we cannot win Buhari if we don’t have what he has—heaven’s key. We do not care that he cannot exceed eight years as leader of the tribe, while we can be council members until our ancestors grow weary. Therein lies our advantage. Even if Buhari remains tribal leader for eight years, at the end, his key would leave him, but for us, with heaven’s key in our hands, we are set for an eternity of bliss. We would do whatever it takes, even if we have to write a new parchment forcing The One to give us keys. We must get the key to Immunity. We must enjoy heaven on earth. 
Image Credit: fishful-thinking.net

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